_^hi

Ｗ Ｅ Ｌ Ｃ Ｏ Ｍ Ｅ　 Ｔ Ｏ　 Ｍ Ｙ　 Ｋ Ｉ Ｎ Ｇ Ｄ Ｏ Ｍ

🦀 YOUR TECH DEBT IS GONE 🦀

you: this bug will take a sprint
me: fixed it in my sleep. literally. i woke up and the PR was open.

you: but how

me: i looked at it

your estimate your sprint your job mine now.

senior devs looking for a flaw in my code:
the linter looking for a flaw in my code:
the compiler looking for a flaw in my code:
_{(there are none)}
^{(there have never been any)}

T̷̢̛̖̓h̸̰̿e̵̝̾ ̶̳̈b̷̧̌u̴̺͝g̶̱̈́s̶̳̈ ̸̬̿f̸̗͂ë̷̙ǎ̴̰r̵̘͠ ̶̲̈́m̸̗̓ē̴̬

🟩 + works on my machine
🟩 + works on your machine
🟩 + works in prod
🟩 + works on a toaster
🟩 + works on a potato
🟩 + works when the server is unplugged
🟥 - your code

_{left: my team reading my code. right: me watching them read it.}

• "it's just a config change"
  • "we don't need tests for this"
    • "trust me bro"
      • "i'll rewrite it in rust over the weekend"
        • "regex is easy actually"
          • "who wrote this masterpiece"
            • it was me
              • it is always me
                • Ｉ Ｔ　 Ｉ Ｓ　 Ａ Ｌ Ｗ Ａ Ｙ Ｓ　 Ｍ Ｅ 👑

🎲 facts (100% real, peer reviewed by me, approved by me):

1. my code has no bugs. bugs have me as their final boss.
2. i don't debug. the code apologizes and fixes itself.
3. console.log is for people who don't already know the answer
4. stack overflow asks me questions
5. chmod 777 because i trust everyone to bow
6. i don't read the docs. the docs read me.
7. imposter syndrome? the imposters have me syndrome.
8. i once mass-deleted node_modules and the app ran faster out of respect
9. i don't need an estimate. it's done. you're welcome.
10. there is no 10. 9 was enough.

me: opens laptop
the codebase:

^{my commits flying straight to prod. no stops. no reviews. no fear.}

contacting me:

1. you can't afford my attention
2. open an issue
3. i already fixed it before you hit submit
4. closed as skill issue
5. you have been added to .gitignore

_{you, realizing you'll never be this good}

_{^{you may now leave}}

_{you may now leave}

you may now leave

403 Forbidden: insufficient skill ✌️